You really have to wonder if the school administrators were expecting his remarks to contain colorful metaphors like this:

All of you have been given a harsh gift. It’s the same gift the graduating class of 1917, and 1938, and 1968 and now you guys got – the chance to enter adulthood when the world teeters on the rim of the sphincter of oblivion.

Sphincter jokes notwithstanding, there’s some good advice in his speech and it’s worth reading in its entirety.

Who really doesn’t want a product that’s more bitchin’ than the alternative?

Dear Advertising Agencies, I can’t guarantee that I’ll buy your clients’ products if you make me laugh, but I’ll at least remember them.

We have to do something about this! We can’t just stand around and let little Butter Stick become the next Elian Gonzalez. He’ll end up working in some Red Army factory. Or worse, they could carry out bizarre medical experiments on him.

We need to start planning a tactical operation to liberate Butter Stick.

Who is with me?

The doctored historical photos are a riot. Every detail is absolutely brilliant–it even lampoons the poetic Sullivan Ballou letter prominently featured in The Civil War.

Operation “No Border” went off without a hitch . . . I brought along some Taco Bell wrappers, bag, napkins and sauce packets. I got a couple burritos from the dining facility, wrapped them in Taco Bell wrappers and proceeded to enjoy my lunch before a wide-eyed and slackjawed crowd at the Battalion Headquarters. I calmly explained that the Taco Bell is “by the airfield, on the other side.” I finally felt bad and told a couple people that there was not a Taco Bell on post. Apparently, the word didn’t get around. Someone three days later mentioned that he had searched and searched and needed better directions. The things I do to amuse myself . . .

Have the number of children that maximizes average utility over your whole lifespan. When you are 30, you might feel like two children is plenty. But once you are 60, you are more likely to prefer ten sons and daughters to keep you company and keep the grandkids coming. A perfectly selfish and perfectly foresighted economic agent would strike a balance between these two states. For example, he might have four kids total - two too many at 30, six too few at 60.

I think there is a more obvious approach to the problem. Why not just have a market for children so parents can buy and sell them at various times to maximize utility at every given point?

(Via Marginal Revolution.)

In this hour-long radio drama, Santa struggles with the increasing demands of providing gifts for millions of spoiled, ungrateful brats across the world, until a single elf, in the engineering department of his workshop, convinces Santa to go on strike. The special ends with the entropic collapse of the civilization of takers and the spectacle of children trudging across the bitterly cold, dark tundra to offer Santa cash for his services, acknowledging at last that his genius makes the gifts–and therefore Christmas–possible. Prior to broadcast, Mutual Broadcast System executives raised objections to the radio play, noting that 56 minutes of the hour-long broadcast went to a philosophical manifesto by the elf and of the four remaining minutes, three went to a love scene between Santa and the cold, practical Mrs. Claus that was rendered into radio through the use of grunts and the shattering of several dozen whiskey tumblers. In later letters, Rand sneeringly described these executives as “anti-life.”

In any case, today I saw this parody which is almost flawless in the quality of its execution.

Why can’t we have election ads like this?

• 12 AH-64D Apache Attack Helicopters at $56.25 Million each
• 4 remanufactured AV-8 Harrier II Aircraft at $21.6 Million each
• 1 B-2 Spirit Stealth Bomber at $690 Million

Larsson indicated that the equipment will form the foundation of the new Salvation Air Force.